Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Not the Strongest Will
I'm not sure why I run. It doesn't particularly please me. I don't hate it, but i also don't get some crazy sense of satisfaction from it. Topping yourself, improving on what you have done is always a great feeling, but i seem to lack the sheer willpower to be at the top. I don't lack the skill. I have the perfect build. I'm not lazy. I just cannot reach down in myself and find the motivation to kill myself in a race. To do absolutely what it takes to win. So am I lazy? Or do I just not love it as much as is required to win? I don't do bad by anyones standards, its just I am told over and over again I should be on the top. And i just can't reach that top. Maybe it just needs more effort on my part. I wish I was the best, I want to be the best, I just don't want it bad enough to put myself through intense pain, and harder training than what I do now. So inside myself I doubt whether I should really be there. Should I? Part of me feels like I have to, because I am human. Acceptance is my motive for half of what I do. That is wrong, but its how it is. I can't attain half the acceptance I could from something say musical or artistic, or social, than from something physically exerting. All that probably sounds like I hate what I do, and that would be a lie. I don't, I like it, I just lack the drive some have to be the absolute best, even when I perfectly capable to be. I'd like to find that drive, that desire somehow, someway. We will see.