Tuesday, March 8, 2011
I'm not sure why I run. It doesn't particularly please me. I don't hate it, but i also don't get some crazy sense of satisfaction from it. Topping yourself, improving on what you have done is always a great feeling, but i seem to lack the sheer willpower to be at the top. I don't lack the skill. I have the perfect build. I'm not lazy. I just cannot reach down in myself and find the motivation to kill myself in a race. To do absolutely what it takes to win. So am I lazy? Or do I just not love it as much as is required to win? I don't do bad by anyones standards, its just I am told over and over again I should be on the top. And i just can't reach that top. Maybe it just needs more effort on my part. I wish I was the best, I want to be the best, I just don't want it bad enough to put myself through intense pain, and harder training than what I do now. So inside myself I doubt whether I should really be there. Should I? Part of me feels like I have to, because I am human. Acceptance is my motive for half of what I do. That is wrong, but its how it is. I can't attain half the acceptance I could from something say musical or artistic, or social, than from something physically exerting. All that probably sounds like I hate what I do, and that would be a lie. I don't, I like it, I just lack the drive some have to be the absolute best, even when I perfectly capable to be. I'd like to find that drive, that desire somehow, someway. We will see.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Many people are in the business of misery, but its not as if they realize it. Forgive me for quoting paramore, but its a polite way to say the worst of people have no clue how diseased they are. Rarely does anyone commit an action believing its going to hurt them, or anyone else for that matter, unless its an action of spite. Most people think every step they take IS what is best for them, are they right? Rarely. Pure intent can results in extremely impure actions, but it can also result in actions that transcend rationality. Many people do not deserve acts of kindness shown to them, but that doesn't stop anyone. Should you be given accept you don't deserve? Does accepting love and kindness into the negative black hole of the mind do anything? Of course. But only accept deeds that come from pure intent, and pure actions. We must quit accepting half-goods, or letting people think that they can get away with good actions with horrible hidden agendas. Acting friends with people who hurt us, to save them some hurt. Pure intent does not breed pure actions.